Losing my Shit!

I feel like I’ve let people disrespect me. The old childhood trauma inside me has me conditioned to believe I don’t deserve anything better. It’s better that we all get along and that people like me. This fucking stupid idea, that it’s more important to be liked than respected, was not a conscious choice, but rather just one of my conditioning. I see my brother with the same tendencies.  He doesn’t want to rock the boat and just wants to be loved. It must be the common denominator, our father. He wasn’t very kind at times. He was a scary alcoholic, and we learned to not rock the boat so as not to bring on the rath of our father. I think this tendency has stayed with us both. But I just woke up recently to this sad and useless childhood trauma and how it has affected me my whole life. I’m learning that how I am treated in the world, is up to me. I need to change my thinking, therefore my reactions to the environment around me.  And earn the respect of people. Or at lease tell them to fuck off, in a more mature and respectable fashion, if they are being an asshole.

I struggle with the side of me that feels unworthy, and the side that is confident and wants to lose my shit. But am I confident or just angry? I think I may just be angry or have a sensitive ego. I need to change my anger into resolve. Resolve to feel worthy of respect. And why is respect so important? It’s not. That would be my ego telling me that people better respect me or else. Or else what? Lose my shit? I’ve done that. That’s a sure-fire way to lose the respect of those around you and your own self-respect. Nobody feels good when they lose their shit. My brother doesn’t lose his shit like I do. He just cracks open another beer. I worry about him. Not about the beer, but the stuffing of the feelings. I stuff too, but then I explode. Not good. But nobody can say, gee Shanon, tell us how you really feel. I have a lot of character defects, being passive aggressive is not one of them. There is nothing passive about my aggression. But why do I let it get that far? It’s because in the moment, I don’t have the resolve or fortitude to pay close attention to how I am being talked to or treated or how it is making me feel. I’m too worried about being liked or keeping the peace or hurting feelings? But then it builds. And then, the dam breaks loose. And I can be just as scary as my alcoholic father.

Instead of losing my shit, I must stay diligent in each moment and in each transaction. How is my behavior or reaction contributing to the atmosphere of disrespect, and can I effectively handle the situation without feeling like I’ve been stepped on, or without coming unhinged. Our reaction is everything. Can we drop the ego? Can we stay detached emotionally? Can I not give a flying fuck what anybody thinks? Oh, I hear people say all the time ‘I don’t care what people think?’ Yeah right! It’s human nature to care. So don’t lie to yourself. You care. We all care. But how you react is important. Most reactions come from a place of fear and hurt. How does one get hurt? The ego! A topic I enjoy; My ego. I struggle with the idea of confidence and self-respect vs an overly sensitive ego. Our reactions in any situation would and could be perfect if our thirsty egos were removed from the situation. But then does that mean we let people treat us disrespectfully? How do you remove your ego, feel worthy of respect, and how do you even manage all these things in the heat of the moment?

There is so much to say about the moment. Staying in the moment. Being mindful of the moment. I’m learning to stop and pause. It’s a practice. I check in with how something made me feel and why? Were my feelings hurt? Was my ego bruised? Or does this person need to be checked? If I learn to feel worthy and accept myself, then nobody can touch me. I can float through life, not reacting with the ego but rather letting the ego rest, and mindfully watch my reactions with a more detached response. Or I can lose my shit and scare the hell out of people. Sometimes that feels good, in the moment. I don’t gain any respect from others or myself, but I tend to not have to deal with those people ever again. Problem solved. Until the next asshole makes me want to lose my shit! And I lose my self-respect all over again.